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Hey Brew,
This week, Cape Town served up a buffet of chaos: SA’s tourism flex got overshadowed by 350k hangry chickens, a granny’s lottery win made us all rethink our life choices, and Eskom decided solar users are too happy.
Grab a stiff rooibos—this one’s a rollercoaster:
SA ranked 7th most desirable destination… but have they seen our potholes?
Chickens turned cannibal because capitalism.
Granny’s R13m jackpot proves bingo night > Bitcoin.
Eskom’s solar tax: Because how dare you save money?
Let’s first thank this week’s sponsor:
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Now let’s dive in:
🗞️ The Headlines
🌍 SA’s Tourism Flex: 7th Place & a Gold Medal for “Wild Vibes”
Cape Town: The world finally noticed we’re more than just Instagram sunsets. SA snagged 7th in Wanderlust’s Most Desirable Countries list, beating Brazil and Peru.
Cape Town also snuck into the Top 5 Cities—probably thanks to Table Mountain’s eternal thirst trap.
✔️ The Deal:
Gold medal for “Wildlife & Nature” (Take that, Australia!).
Judges: “SA’s where lions hitch rides and penguins waddle like they own the place.”
Real Talk: “We’re basically a nature documentary with WiFi.” — @CapeTownTourism
🐔 350k Chickens Go Full Hunger Games
Animal Welfare Edition: Daybreak Foods forgot to feed their chickens. Result? A dystopian pecking party so grim, even Saw directors took notes.
✔️ Why It’s Messed Up:
Chickens resorted to self-service buffets (read: cannibalism).
NSPCA euthanized survivors by hand. Staff now need therapy and a raise.
Company excuse: “We uh… ran out of money?”
→ Best Reactions:
“This is why I’m vegan.” — @PlantBasedSally
“First load-shedding, now chicken-shedding?” — @EskomSePush
💰 Granny’s R13m Lotto Win: “I’ll Donate… After My Garden Upgrade”
Cape Town Gran: Bought a R40 ticket, picked numbers manually (like a boss), and now she’s retiring to a life of compost and charity.
✔️ Why We Stan:
Plans to donate some cash: “Charity starts at home… which I’m renovating.”
Son’s reaction: “Can I borrow R100k? Asking for me.”
Ithuba CEO: “This is why grannies > crypto bros.”
⚡ Eskom to Solar Users: “Hold My Beer”
New tariffs will hike bills by 75% for solar homes. Because how dare you escape load-shedding and save the planet?
✔️ The Drama:
Fixed charges up, IBT scrapped. Solar users: “This is bullying.”
Eskom: “We miss your money. Also, register your panels or else.”
Nersa: “We only allowed 20% of this nonsense… for now.”
→ Best Quote:
“Eskom’s like an ex who texts ‘u up?’ at 2am.” — @SolarBro
💎 Hidden Gems & Local Legends
🍷 Mother’s Day Feasts: Where to Wine & Dine Mom (Before She Roasts You)
Stellenbosch: Stuff mom with Cape Malay curry and glühwein. Pro tip: Let her steal the cheesecake.
Price: R450 pp | Time: 11am–3pm
Paint ceramics, sip tea, and pretend you didn’t forget her birthday last year.
Price: R195 pp
Bantry Bay: Carving stations, desserts, and live music. Kids under 5 eat free (bless).
Price: R595 adult / R250 kid
Halaal feast + 10% to Gift of the Givers. Mom approves.
Price: R495 pp
🥐 Chardonnay Deli: Breakfast with a Side of Salty Hair
Kalk Bay: Hit this iconic deli post-ocean dip for flaky pastries and coffee that’ll make your post-swim dopamine spike even higher. Stay for the breakfast menu that’s longer than a WhatsApp voice note from your mom.
✔️ Why we’re obsessed:
Croissants so buttery, they count as a moisturizer.
The “Hangry Swimmer Special” (not a real thing, but should be).
Open daily from 7am—because Capetonians don’t believe in sleep.
📍 Stuff your swimsuit-clad face here: 7am–6pm, Monday to Sunday (Yes, even when the waves are mid)
🧈 BUTTER All Day: Brunch Just Got a Sea Point Upgrade
Your CBD fave now has a Sea Point sibling with actual seating and a courtyard prettier than your Tinder date’s Instagram. Same pancake stacks, zero CBD parking rage.
✔️ Why we’re obsessed:
Courtyard vibes = “I’m a local, but make it influencer.”
The CBD menu replicated flawlessly—like a Netflix reboot that doesn’t suck.
Avocado toast portions that justify the R120 price tag (we’re in denial, let us live).
📍 Butter up your brunch game: Mon–Fri 8am–5pm | Sat–Sun 9am–5pm (Brunch ‘til sunset? We’ll allow it.)
📣 Wanna Put Your Biz in Front of Thousands?
Sponsor Cape Brew At a MASSIVE Discount(48 hours left):
📬 Get your local business at the top of next week's newsletter (we’ll hype you up properly)
🎯 Added to our Daily Magic Button listings (the hot list people actually click)
📍 Get featured in the Hidden Gems section for 30 days — Cape Town locals actually click this.
🎧 Live Music & Entertainment
Friday, May 9
🎧 ULTRA South Africa @ Cape Town Ostrich Ranch
Martin Garrix, Armin van Buuren, and a decade of bass. Loud, legendary, and 100% pure chaos.
👑 Queens at RED @ Radisson RED Rooftop
Drag icons. Rooftop views. Sliders on the side. No kids allowed— glitter mandatory.
Saturday, May 10
🍷 Nuy Valley Festival @ Worcester
Wine, olives, bratwurst, tractor rides — like a German fairytale in the Cape.
🧺 Willowbridge Slow Market (Mother’s Day Edition)
Treat mom (or yourself) to handmade gifts, florals, and slow food. Wholesome stuff.
→ Go slow
🎭 Stardust Theatrical Dining @ Woodstock
Singing waiters, Mediterranean mains, and musical medleys every 10 minutes.
Sunday, May 11
🌸 Mother’s Day Jazz Brunch @ Erinvale Estate (Somerset West)
Tiramisu, live violin, and garden views — it's a three-course buffet brunch made to spoil mom. Bonus: a themed photobooth for keepsake snaps.
🏃♂️ ABSA Run Your City 10K
Run from Milnerton to the CBD with live bands and Table Mountain watching you wheeze.
🍽️ Mother’s Day Buffet @ The Grand Daddy Hotel (CBD)
Treat mom to a buffet lunch with all her faves, plus a welcome Brutal Fruit and rooftop vibes. Comfort food, but make it Cape Town chic.
→ Book now
Monday, May 12
🧘♂️ Full Moon Breathwork & Sound Bath @ Rocklands
Breathe deep, release everything, and let the sound waves reset your nervous system.
🪄 Magic Hour Movement @ InUWell (V&A)
A dreamy evening of mindful movement and intention setting in the heart of the city.
Tuesday, May 13
🎨 Portrait Party with Cape Town Craft Club @ The Ladder
Collaborative art, wine, and community vibes. No experience needed.
🎲 Catan League @ Luckshack Plumstead (Day 4)
Hardcore board game action. Bring strategy, snacks, and maybe a lucky dice. Mega nerd vibes.
Wednesday, May 14
🎭 Sister Sister! @ Cafe Roux
A live performance celebrating sisterhood, sass, and smooth tunes.
📚 The Curious Exchange: Enneagram + Mental Fitness @ Habitus
Decode your emotional wiring with deep conversation and connection.
🎤 Dinner & Drinks with Barry Hilton @ Dias Tavern Claremont
Comedy + calamari. SA’s beloved funnyman brings punchlines over dinner.
😂 Meme of the Week
When your gran’s lotto ticket has a better ROI than your Web3 portfolio.
Got a meme that captures Cape Town’s wild spirit?
Tag it on Instagram or Reddit with #CPTBrew for a chance to be featured in next week’s edition.
Alright Brew, that’s the tea. SA’s out here winning awards and losing chickens, grannies are richer than your crypto portfolio, and Eskom’s still Eskom-ing.
Got a solar rant? A Mother’s Day disaster? Hit reply.
Until next week, keep your chickens fed and your solar panels hidden.
~ CPT Brew
