Hey Brew,
Cape Town’s flexing harder than a bodybuilder in a bicep contest this week.
From R170-million dirt plots to elephant seals playing Frogger on suburban streets, we’ve got chaos, heart, and enough lekker vibes to power through load-shedding.
Oh, and Jordy Smith’s basically surfing on liquid gold.
Here’s the chaos (hold onto your avo toast):
🗞️ Cape Town’s R170m Dirt Plot – Clifton’s most expensive sand trap just sold.
💎 Seebamboes – Bree Street’s kelp-powered fine dining fever dream.
💎 Hemelhuijs – Artful plates, sourdough, and spontaneous street theatre.
🎉 May 30 – June 5 Events – Pilates puppies, sushi school, and Shrek live on stage.
Now let’s dive in:
🗞️ The Headlines
🏡 Clifton’s Dirt: R170m & Zero Parking
An empty Nettleton Road plot sold for R170m—enough to buy 5.6 million avo toasts. Buyers plan one "showpiece home" because nine apartments would ruin the "privacy and rarity" (read: braai views).
✔️ Why We’re Side-Eyeing:
Pam Golding Agent: "It’s exclusive."
Locals: "Cool, but where do we PARK?"
Us: Plot twist: The real treasure is the Uber Eats guy who finds your house.
→ Best Quote:
“R170m? That’s 283,333 bottles of Chenin. Priorities, people.”
🐘 Seal’s Suburban Safari
A 2-ton elephant seal lumbered through Gordon’s Bay like your uncle after a braai, baffling locals. Cue rescue crews sedating him while he tried to half-climb a cop car.
✔️ Why We’re Cackling:
Resident: “Hi bro, how’d you get here?”
Seal: Resting head on hood*
SPCA: Posted his beach return vid. #SealOfApproval
→ Best Reaction:
“Proof Cape Town’s wildlife has better stories than your Tinder dates.”
🚵 Wines2Whales: Pedals & Purpose
Ex-cop Regan and firefighter Jermaine are trading sirens for saddles to bike 230km through hellish terrain—all for St Joseph’s Hospital, where nurses turn tears into tiny wins for kids fighting brutal battles.
✔️ Why We’re Inspired:
The gut-punch: Regan walking through the hospital's bereavement sanctuary:
"As a dad, seeing shattered parents there broke me. These families need to know we see them."Jermaine’s firefighter grit:
"When my legs burn, I think of nurses giving 200% daily. That strength? Pure love."You: Adds "donate" under "buy oat milk" on tomorrow’s list (priorities sorted).
🏄 Jordy Smith: J-Bay’s Golden Boy
Durban’s surf king Jordy Smith topped the WSL rankings again after winning in Australia. Next stop: Jeffreys Bay in July. Because nothing says “I’m winning” like home-ground barrels.
✔️ Why We’re Smug:
Jordy: “Making SA proud!”
Comp: Ferreira, tribal beats, and a R200k jiu-jitsu tourney.
You: Booking J-Bay Airbnb like it’s a survival essential.
→ Best Vibe:
“J-Bay in winter: Where waves meet parkoffs and Italy’s DJs.”
💎 Hidden Gems & Local Legends
🌿 Hemelhuijs: Art You Can Eat
Waterkant Street: Where panko artichokes + miso salmon tartare make you forgive the lack of European charm. Yes, randoms might ask for R5. No, your sourdough won't care.
✔️ Why we're obsessed:
Menu logic: "Why wouldn't you top salmon tartare with panko?"
Vibe: "Eat art. Ignore parking tickets."
Pro tip: Sit outside if you enjoy spontaneous street theatre.
📍 Brunch like a bougie: 71 Waterkant | Mon-Fri 8am-4pm (Closed when avo toast guilt hits)
🍽️ Upper Union: Kloof Street's Culinary Circus
Just off Kloof: Moroccan-ish duck pastilla meets urfa kingklip in a conservatory that screams "I lunch better than you."
✔️ Why we're obsessed:
"Curated" actually means "order 7 small plates alone."
Feels like Marrakech meets your rich aunt's sunroom.
"I'll just share" — said no one after the burrata arrives.
📍 Indulge the FOMO: 3 Upper Union St | Dinner Tue-Sun (Yes, even on "I'm detoxing" Tuesdays)
🌊 Seebamboes: Where Kelp Is King
Bree Street's new magic trick: Abalobi sashimi, venison tataki, and dune cabbage steamed in kelp stems. No menu. Yes, seaweed margaritas.
✔️ Why we're obsessed:
"Surf n' turf" finally grew up (and got cool).
Knives have kelp inlays—because basic steak knives are for peasants.
"Brandy & Coke drinkers welcome" is our love language.
📍 Witchcraft hours: 92 Bree St | Wed-Sat Dinner (Book before your hipster friend does)
🥟 Chef's Warehouse: Tapas Roulette
Bree Street OG reboot: Where venison tartare and pork belly demand solo attention. "Tapas for Two" is a rookie move.
✔️ Why we're obsessed:
Second portions = strategic life choices.
Feels like Liam Tomlin personally dares you to overorder.
"I’m just here for the pork belly" — you, lying about self-control.
📍Commit to carbs: 92 Bree St | Lunch & Dinner Daily (Even during "intermittent fasting" windows)
📣 Wanna Put Your Biz in Front of Thousands?
Sponsor Cape Brew At a MASSIVE Discount(48 hours left):
📬 Get your local business at the top of next week's newsletter (we’ll hype you up properly)
🎯 Added to our Daily Magic Button listings (the hot list people actually click)
📍 Get featured in the Hidden Gems section for 30 days — Cape Town locals actually click this.
🎧 Live Music & Entertainment
Friday, May 30
🍷 The Good Life Show @ CTICC
Africa’s premium food, drink & conscious living expo returns with chef demos, wellness talks, and plenty of snacks.
🎤 Craig Lucas – The Identity Crisis Tour @ Cafe Roux
Soulful pop from one of SA’s best vocalists. Expect new tracks, raw honesty, and goosebumps.
🎭 Rocky Horror Picture Show (Shadowcast) @ Outlore Base
Dress up, shout back, and do the Time Warp again. Cult classic chaos guaranteed.
Saturday, May 31
🎨 A Seat at the Craft Table @ Vine & Dandy
Craft your heart out alongside Cape Town’s most creative stitchers, quilters, and makers.
🏋️♀️ Puppies & Pilates @ Milnerton Business Park
Stretch, pose, and get licked mid-downward dog. Yes, real puppies.
🎭 Third Wheel Improv @ The Masque Theatre
No script, all chaos. A night of unpredictable, off-the-cuff hilarity.
Sunday, June 1
🌊 Clifton Mile Swim @ Clifton 4th Beach
Brave the Atlantic in this iconic open-water swim. Sun, sea, and salty flexes guaranteed.
🎶 Robin Auld Band Live @ Café Roux (Noordhoek)
Sunday sessions hit different with local legend Robin Auld playing under the stars.
🍸 G&T Sunday Sundowner @ The Plug CPT Studio
Sip craft gin, catch sunset beats, and vibe with the city’s cool kids.
Monday, June 2
🧶 Granny Square Crochet @ Goldfish Café
Craft, coffee, and new friends. Perfect for beginners or yarn veterans. Bonus: ocean breeze while you stitch.
🕵️♂️ Scavenger Hunt: Rounding the Cape @ Stellenbosch
Solve clues, explore Cape corners, and race for glory. Great for teams, dates, or chaos with friends.
🎭 Cape Town Funny Festival @ Baxter Theatre
It’s back—Cape Town’s biggest laugh fest with local + global acts. Warning: side effects may include abs from laughing.
Tuesday, June 3
🤝 Business Networking Coffee Meetup @ The Backyard Café
Real connections over real coffee in the southern suburbs.
💼 Sentech Africa Tech Week 2025 @ Century City Conference Centre
Explore cutting-edge innovations and big ideas shaping Africa’s tech landscape.
🍣Sushiya Masterclass @ Time Out Market
Roll your own sushi, judge your friend’s technique. Warning: soy sauce stains.
Wednesday, June 4
🌱 Lifewave Wellness Experience @ Rooftop on Bree
Holistic wellness, biohacking tips, and a rooftop view.
🎭 Shrek the Musical @ Milnerton Playhouse
What’s better than ogres and onions? Seeing them live, singing, and possibly dancing.
🍊 Winter Gems: Citrus in the Garden @ Babylonstoren
Learn all about juicy orbs while pretending you're in a Pinterest board.
Thursday, June 5
🎭 Funny Festival @ Baxter Theatre
Cape Town’s OG comedy fest is back. Expect belly laughs, bold acts, and chaotic energy.
🎨 Puff n Paint @ Rooftop 420 Sea Point
It’s First Thursdays with a twist: clouds, creativity, and canvas chaos.
🎸 Nic Stevens Band Tribute to Bryan Adams @ Kapstadt Brauhaus Blouberg
Hit rewind with this nostalgic throwback to the 80s—singalongs mandatory.
→ Rock on
🖼️ Picture of the Week
When you leave the house for a flat white and the universe drops a double rainbow and a Table Mountain flex just to remind you who’s boss.
Got a pic that captures Cape Town’s wild spirit?
Tag it on Instagram with #CPTBrew for a chance to be featured in next week’s edition.
Alright Brew, that’s your dose of Mother City Madness—from seal rescues to R170m dirt.
Shoutout to the bike heroes, kelp chefs, and everyone not selling land for a small country’s GDP.
Spotted a gem? Got rant? Hit reply. We’re all ears.
~ The CPT Brew Team ☕🌊
